Monday, March 2, 2015

Steamed Clam

It's not enough to douche, wax, and even vajazzle your vajayjay. Now you have to... steam clean it?

Letting off some steam!
No, not in a sauna. Apparently the hottest, ha ha, trend among those with too much money is treating your pussy to a steam bath. Because everyone knows pussies love baths.

This isn't the kind of wet pussy I had in mind...
Yeah, so, Gwyneth Paltrow recommends getting your snatch steamed at a spa on her website GOOP. It's actually more like what my grandmother used to say to do for a stuffy nose -- put your head over a pot of boiling water and breathe in deep. But in this case, you're squatting over a pot of hot water filled with secret herbs and spices.
You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release -- not just a steam douche -- that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.
Now, I'm not one to doubt Iron Man's girlfriend, but gynecologists say it's a bad idea (as is douching), because you're fucking up the body's natural chemistry and pH balance.

So, when life has you down and you're having trouble reaching your happy place, just remember:

Gwyneth Paltrow steams her gooch.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Now that's juicy

The most sensual aisle in the supermarket, of course, is produce. Those ripe melons and fat bananas and plump cherry tomatoes... and who can look at a long, thick cucumber and not think of this video?

But I have to admit, there's one fruit I've never looked at and thought, "there's a fruit I want on my cock." And that's the grapefruit. Not that I have anything against grapefruit. I'm actually a fan. But I've just never wanted to fuck one.

But that doesn't go for everybody, apparently.

Yeah, so... you're supposed to cut off the top and bottom of the grapefruit and hollow out the center, to make basically a ring of grapefruit, and put it over his cock and jerk him off with it while blowing him.

I'm sure I need to say that again. You cut off the top and bottom of the grapefruit, you hollow out the center, you put it over his cock and use it to jerk him off while blowing him.

This... what?

What's the worst thing about eating a grapefruit? Getting the grapefruit juice squirted into your eye. Any kind of citric acid, really. Ever get lemon juice in a cut? Laughing so hard that milk comes out of your nose is funny; try that with orange juice and you'll be calling 911. I do not want citric acid, or let's face it, any kind of acid anywhere near my nether regions.

And yet this woman's sexy idea is to use the botanical equivalent of Alien blood as lube. Seriously?

Look, I'm all for trying new things, but let's save the grapefruit for breakfast, OK?

Friday, February 6, 2015

FFF - Waiting

Key Word - Waiting
Word Limit - 250 exactly
No extra words
Forbidden Words - boredom, ennui

Welcome back to Advizor54, who has returned to hosting Flash Fiction Friday!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

No spankings, please, we're British

So the British government just banned a bunch of things from appearing in pornography produced in the United Kingdom:
  • Spanking
  • Caning
  • Aggressive whipping
  • Penetration by any object "associated with violence"
  • Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of if consensual)
  • Urolagnia (known as "water sports")
  • Female ejaculation
  • Strangulation
  • Facesitting
  • Fisting
The last three things -- strangulation, facesitting, and fisting -- were deemed "life endangering."

"Cause of death: Aggravated facesitting."
The important thing to remember is if you're in England you can still watch (or even perform) these acts; apparently you just can't film them while you're there.

Maybe the intent of this law wasn't to regulate the film industry, but to protect British politicians from having their sex tapes released...

Saturday, November 22, 2014

TV or not TV?

Photo from NymphoNinjas
We have a television in our bedroom. It features prominently in our sex life -- or rather, the lack thereof. My wife uses the TV both as an excuse ("I just want to watch the end of this") and as a sleeping pill (she's always out before "this" is over). But I know television is a symptom, not the source, of our issues in bed. If it wasn't the television, it would be a book or her phone or some other distraction. And on the rare occasion where we've had no television -- cable's out, blackout, whatever -- it's not like all of a sudden it's...

But still... it's hard not to blame the boob tube for getting in the way of boob time. So imagine my surprise when I saw this study from 2014:
According to researchers, people with television sets in their bedrooms had, on average, twice as much sex as those without.
The "twice as much," if you're wondering, is an average of twice a week (if you have a television) or an average of once a week (if you don't). The study also found that 47 percent of respondents said they had sex while watching television... with 37 percent saying they watched erotic programming to get in the mood. But 29 percent said the television show they were watching was so boring they decided to have sex instead.

Well fuck. I'd have bet money that people with televisions in the bedroom have sex less often, not more. In fact this 2006 study found exactly the opposite, that couples with a television in the bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't. Oddly, it was the same exact frequency -- twice a week for those who don't have a TV in the bedroom, once a week for those who do. What's up with that? How can two studies of the exact same thing come to the exact opposite conclusion?

The 2014 study was of people in Britain, and the 2006 study was of people in Italy. I dunno, but somehow I get the sense if you put two Italians in bed without a television, they know what to do...

Friday, November 14, 2014

FFF - Gone But Not Forgotten


The political decision to go to war is almost always contentious, but there is never denying the bravery of the soldiers sent into battle zones around the world, risking their lives for others. So, on Remembrance Sunday, this is my nod to them…
Key Words: Flip flops, tattoo
Forbidden Words: gun, weapon
Word Limit: 400 words
Extra Credit: who did you last salute?